Post by franklinmarsh on Jul 26, 2013 9:05:16 GMT
King Kreeoal looked wearily through the stained glass window of the hall of Castle Bullshit out on to the rain-sodded Lands Of Perpetual Drear. He really should get the cleaners on to those stains. He sighed heavily and summoned Page Three to go and collect Wizard Weez. His Queen (Latifah) was visiting her mother in another dimension and they had merely a week in which to marry off their daughter, the Princess Austin, to a suitable …er…suitor, and their kingdom would become the Domain Of Eternal Happiness. Apparently. Nothing like a deadline to bring focus. The young lady in question was at this moment in the High Tower, staring into the Enchanted Daily Mirror to contact her so-called friends via the Book of the Face. She’d rejected all of the Princes her parents had lined up for her – Salmon, Trust and Symbol. The kingdom and its surrounding areas were running low on youngish, available, male, non-gay royalty.
An elderly sage shuffled into the room, grey beard sweeping the floor.
“Blimey!” gasped the King, “I thought you were only thirty-six, Weez?”
“Yes, Sire”, croaked the apparently ancient retainer. “I was practising spells last night. The one in which a nubile young faery, scant of clothing and morals, and with an encyclopaedic knowledge of sexual positions is summoned.”
“You succeeded then?”
“Not ‘arf….but, oooo, me back.”
“We haven’t time for your proclivities, Weez. We have to get Austin married off. And while we’re about it, can you do something about the hooded knaves carousing and stripping lead from the roof of the Cathedral of the Screaming Spire? If any more goes we’re going to have an open-air wedding ceremony …if we even get that far. And I’d appreciate it if you could stop that bloody Spire screaming as well.”
“Sire,” rumbled the once young (yesterday) sorcerer, “ it’s called the Screaming Spire because it screams. If we can get young Austin hitched and become the Domain of Eternal Happiness, I have it on good authority that we will be in possession of a Silent Spire.”
“Good man, “ said the King. “Now, about those hoodies…look, the cheeky bastards are at it now in broad daylight! Can’t you use the Ariel Sorcery Binding Order?”
“I have a more permanent solution,” growled Weez. Mystic passes by his left hand over his right conjured up a .44 magnum. The old boy opened up, taking out the four knaves and destroying the stained glass. Another sleight of hand jive restored the pane to a different sort of glory. Kreeoal wasn’t sure but it looked like the portrait of His Royal Highness Butterball XIII being crowned had been replaced by a rapidly aging magician in dubious congress with a forest nymph – the filthy swine!
“What’s the noise, pater?” drawled the Princess Austin, slouching into the hall, vermillion tresses covering one eye. The King surveyed his daughter’s obscenely tight gown, slashed from the top to her navel, and hacked off from the bottom to what seemed like several yards above her knees and thanked the mystic forces that Weez had had a punishing session the previous eve.
“Do you have to go about like that?” he moaned. “The noise was my new zero-tolerance policy on crime via the Wizard here. Now…”
A stentorian knocking came from the main door. It took a man (or men) of some considerable strength to knock Castle Bullshit’s knocker.
The Steward of the Hall (shortly to face trial for crimes of the past) entered.
“My liege, there’s a Prince Violent at the door. Says he’s here to marry the Princess.”
There was a moment of silence, followed by sounds of an altercation at the door. A huge man clad in black armour, sword dripping crimson, strode into the hall.
“He’s FIT!” breathed the Princess in a trembly fashion.
“This could be the answer to my problems!” thought King Kreeoal joyously.
“There’s something downright odd about that fellow and this coincidence,” considered Wizard Weez, absent-mindedly massaging his sore groin.
‘**************************************************
The Black Prince shuffled his feet embarrassedly.
“Sorry about the guards, your Worship. And the bloodstains….”
“Never mind, “ replied Kreeoal, trying to contain his excitement.
“Sire…” muttered Weez, warningly.
“I had to see the Princess,” smiled the unshaven Knight, teeth flashing.
Austin faked a swoon, attempting to show lots of cleavage on her way to the floor, as a lady in waiting grabbed a dust sheet from an unused chaise longue to avert any distinctly unroyal knicker-flashing controversy.
After an unsubtle nudge from the Wizard, the King harrumphed.
“We’ll have to set you a task, young Prince, to prove you worthy….”
“I’m way ahead of you, Kingy. Please come out to the square.”
The Prince bowed and waved a hand toward the castle door, causing what was left of the King’s guard to flinch involuntarily. One even waved a white flag, just in case.
Stepping out into the town square, the King gasped and the Wizard muttered. Approximately thirty hooded knaves had been hung, drawn and quartered. Three dragon’s heads, mounted on pikes, dripped foul green blood, and sulphurous mucus on to the cobblestones. To prove he wasn’t purely a sadist, the Prince had saved a small dragon cub, and tied it to one the of gallows poles. An enterprising Kreeoal subject was trying to get it to light a cigar. Full of adolescent mischief, the youngster whirled and raised its tail. In the excitement, it followed through, and the shit-smeared peasant stalked off to the river to much ribald laughter.
Prince Violent then presented the king with a cardboard box containing an Holy Grail, a goose that was mass-producing golden eggs and a golden fleece.
“Well, that just about settles it, “ chuckled the King. “I don’t think we need go through the formality of a joust. My daughter seems well up for it…”
Hortense, Austin’s intrepid lady-in-waiting was having a hard time holding back the young royal, who’s guttural Phwoars were good-naturedly acknowledged by cheery obscene hand gestures from the massing crowds.
“Summon ArchBishop Wonga!” roared the King. “Let’s give that bloody Spire something to scream about!”
The crowd went wild.
Wizard Weez clutched the King’s arm. “Your Majesty,” he desperately blurted, “shouldn’t we at least wait for the Queen?”
“No sweat, Weez” muttered Kreeoal, “She’s in the Fourth Dimension with my mother-in-law. Owing to the time travel paradox she’ll be here before the ceremony kicks off, even if she doesn’t leave ‘till the middle of next week.”
He noticed the recently aged sorceror’s dark frown.
“What’s up, man? Don’t you want Eternal Happiness?”
“Not if it’s from HIM!!” screamed Weez, producing a small rod of ebony topped and tailed with ivory from his voluminous robe.
A bolt of lightning crackled from the end of the Wizard’s rod, causing a voluptuous faery within the crowd to shriek with ecstasy, and Prince Violent’s black armour to fall smoking to the cobbled ground of the square.
Screams and gasps came from the crowd as a hideously scaled reptilian form was revealed. The handsome, husky, designer stubbled fake head joined the smoking armour, as the lizard like visage opened its jaws and hissed at Weez, forked tongue flickering.
“You bastard, Weez!” groaned the Princess Austin in frustration. “At least let me see what’s under that bulging codpiece that even your sorcery couldn’t destroy!”
Weez seemed to have grown taller and more commanding. Black clouds gathered in indecent haste above the square as icy hail lashed the crowd and protagonists of this tacky little tale.
“Begone, foul reptile!” thundered the wizard, appropriately given the meteorological conditions. “You’ll not sully the Kingdom of Kreeoal with your degenerate miscegenation!”
“Racist!” wailed the Princess. “Oh, sully me, lizard man, sully me all night…”
Her depraved warbling was cut short by an excellent right hook/left cross from Olympic hopeful Hortense.
The reptile vomited hideous venom. Weez shoved the King aside, but half the royal entourage weren’t so lucky. The sorcerers wand transmuted into an AK-47, and the steady hands of Weez pumped the offending scaly intruder full of lead.
“Good shot, Weez,” gasped the King, as the clouds dispersed and a weak, watery sun made a feeble attempt at shining. “Didn’t fancy him as a son-in-law much. Damned unhygienic if you ask me. But apart from clearing up the mess, what about Eternal Happiness?”
The wizard sighed.
“I suppose we’ll just have to put up with Perpetual Drear – as always…”
With a flash and a bang, Queen Latifah appeared in the square, her arm hooked into that of a bespectacled spotty nerd with a tarnished crown.
“KREEOAL! I’m gone for five minutes and the Kingdom is a tip! Get it cleaned up at once! AUSTIN! Wake up and get dressed. This is Prince Neville. He has excellent prospects…”
Weez tiptoed off toward his laboratory in the Castle Bullshit dungeons. Hee! Looked like Drear and Happiness would be interchangeable for the King and his daughter. Crikey. Handing the lizard’s arse to him on a plate had had a rejuvenating effect. Now, where was that faery….?
An elderly sage shuffled into the room, grey beard sweeping the floor.
“Blimey!” gasped the King, “I thought you were only thirty-six, Weez?”
“Yes, Sire”, croaked the apparently ancient retainer. “I was practising spells last night. The one in which a nubile young faery, scant of clothing and morals, and with an encyclopaedic knowledge of sexual positions is summoned.”
“You succeeded then?”
“Not ‘arf….but, oooo, me back.”
“We haven’t time for your proclivities, Weez. We have to get Austin married off. And while we’re about it, can you do something about the hooded knaves carousing and stripping lead from the roof of the Cathedral of the Screaming Spire? If any more goes we’re going to have an open-air wedding ceremony …if we even get that far. And I’d appreciate it if you could stop that bloody Spire screaming as well.”
“Sire,” rumbled the once young (yesterday) sorcerer, “ it’s called the Screaming Spire because it screams. If we can get young Austin hitched and become the Domain of Eternal Happiness, I have it on good authority that we will be in possession of a Silent Spire.”
“Good man, “ said the King. “Now, about those hoodies…look, the cheeky bastards are at it now in broad daylight! Can’t you use the Ariel Sorcery Binding Order?”
“I have a more permanent solution,” growled Weez. Mystic passes by his left hand over his right conjured up a .44 magnum. The old boy opened up, taking out the four knaves and destroying the stained glass. Another sleight of hand jive restored the pane to a different sort of glory. Kreeoal wasn’t sure but it looked like the portrait of His Royal Highness Butterball XIII being crowned had been replaced by a rapidly aging magician in dubious congress with a forest nymph – the filthy swine!
“What’s the noise, pater?” drawled the Princess Austin, slouching into the hall, vermillion tresses covering one eye. The King surveyed his daughter’s obscenely tight gown, slashed from the top to her navel, and hacked off from the bottom to what seemed like several yards above her knees and thanked the mystic forces that Weez had had a punishing session the previous eve.
“Do you have to go about like that?” he moaned. “The noise was my new zero-tolerance policy on crime via the Wizard here. Now…”
A stentorian knocking came from the main door. It took a man (or men) of some considerable strength to knock Castle Bullshit’s knocker.
The Steward of the Hall (shortly to face trial for crimes of the past) entered.
“My liege, there’s a Prince Violent at the door. Says he’s here to marry the Princess.”
There was a moment of silence, followed by sounds of an altercation at the door. A huge man clad in black armour, sword dripping crimson, strode into the hall.
“He’s FIT!” breathed the Princess in a trembly fashion.
“This could be the answer to my problems!” thought King Kreeoal joyously.
“There’s something downright odd about that fellow and this coincidence,” considered Wizard Weez, absent-mindedly massaging his sore groin.
‘**************************************************
The Black Prince shuffled his feet embarrassedly.
“Sorry about the guards, your Worship. And the bloodstains….”
“Never mind, “ replied Kreeoal, trying to contain his excitement.
“Sire…” muttered Weez, warningly.
“I had to see the Princess,” smiled the unshaven Knight, teeth flashing.
Austin faked a swoon, attempting to show lots of cleavage on her way to the floor, as a lady in waiting grabbed a dust sheet from an unused chaise longue to avert any distinctly unroyal knicker-flashing controversy.
After an unsubtle nudge from the Wizard, the King harrumphed.
“We’ll have to set you a task, young Prince, to prove you worthy….”
“I’m way ahead of you, Kingy. Please come out to the square.”
The Prince bowed and waved a hand toward the castle door, causing what was left of the King’s guard to flinch involuntarily. One even waved a white flag, just in case.
Stepping out into the town square, the King gasped and the Wizard muttered. Approximately thirty hooded knaves had been hung, drawn and quartered. Three dragon’s heads, mounted on pikes, dripped foul green blood, and sulphurous mucus on to the cobblestones. To prove he wasn’t purely a sadist, the Prince had saved a small dragon cub, and tied it to one the of gallows poles. An enterprising Kreeoal subject was trying to get it to light a cigar. Full of adolescent mischief, the youngster whirled and raised its tail. In the excitement, it followed through, and the shit-smeared peasant stalked off to the river to much ribald laughter.
Prince Violent then presented the king with a cardboard box containing an Holy Grail, a goose that was mass-producing golden eggs and a golden fleece.
“Well, that just about settles it, “ chuckled the King. “I don’t think we need go through the formality of a joust. My daughter seems well up for it…”
Hortense, Austin’s intrepid lady-in-waiting was having a hard time holding back the young royal, who’s guttural Phwoars were good-naturedly acknowledged by cheery obscene hand gestures from the massing crowds.
“Summon ArchBishop Wonga!” roared the King. “Let’s give that bloody Spire something to scream about!”
The crowd went wild.
Wizard Weez clutched the King’s arm. “Your Majesty,” he desperately blurted, “shouldn’t we at least wait for the Queen?”
“No sweat, Weez” muttered Kreeoal, “She’s in the Fourth Dimension with my mother-in-law. Owing to the time travel paradox she’ll be here before the ceremony kicks off, even if she doesn’t leave ‘till the middle of next week.”
He noticed the recently aged sorceror’s dark frown.
“What’s up, man? Don’t you want Eternal Happiness?”
“Not if it’s from HIM!!” screamed Weez, producing a small rod of ebony topped and tailed with ivory from his voluminous robe.
A bolt of lightning crackled from the end of the Wizard’s rod, causing a voluptuous faery within the crowd to shriek with ecstasy, and Prince Violent’s black armour to fall smoking to the cobbled ground of the square.
Screams and gasps came from the crowd as a hideously scaled reptilian form was revealed. The handsome, husky, designer stubbled fake head joined the smoking armour, as the lizard like visage opened its jaws and hissed at Weez, forked tongue flickering.
“You bastard, Weez!” groaned the Princess Austin in frustration. “At least let me see what’s under that bulging codpiece that even your sorcery couldn’t destroy!”
Weez seemed to have grown taller and more commanding. Black clouds gathered in indecent haste above the square as icy hail lashed the crowd and protagonists of this tacky little tale.
“Begone, foul reptile!” thundered the wizard, appropriately given the meteorological conditions. “You’ll not sully the Kingdom of Kreeoal with your degenerate miscegenation!”
“Racist!” wailed the Princess. “Oh, sully me, lizard man, sully me all night…”
Her depraved warbling was cut short by an excellent right hook/left cross from Olympic hopeful Hortense.
The reptile vomited hideous venom. Weez shoved the King aside, but half the royal entourage weren’t so lucky. The sorcerers wand transmuted into an AK-47, and the steady hands of Weez pumped the offending scaly intruder full of lead.
“Good shot, Weez,” gasped the King, as the clouds dispersed and a weak, watery sun made a feeble attempt at shining. “Didn’t fancy him as a son-in-law much. Damned unhygienic if you ask me. But apart from clearing up the mess, what about Eternal Happiness?”
The wizard sighed.
“I suppose we’ll just have to put up with Perpetual Drear – as always…”
With a flash and a bang, Queen Latifah appeared in the square, her arm hooked into that of a bespectacled spotty nerd with a tarnished crown.
“KREEOAL! I’m gone for five minutes and the Kingdom is a tip! Get it cleaned up at once! AUSTIN! Wake up and get dressed. This is Prince Neville. He has excellent prospects…”
Weez tiptoed off toward his laboratory in the Castle Bullshit dungeons. Hee! Looked like Drear and Happiness would be interchangeable for the King and his daughter. Crikey. Handing the lizard’s arse to him on a plate had had a rejuvenating effect. Now, where was that faery….?